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The world never tires of replaying Shakespeare's themes. Airlines, for example, spend millions of dollars every year pretending that the in-flight meals are great -- but when that defrosted chicken finally appears on your tray table, it really is "much ado about nothing."

Many airlines now tout gourmet fare created by famous chefs. United Airlines has made deals with chefs Sheila Leukin, Sam Choy, Charlie Trotter, and Jacques Pepin, but all this "much ado" is still just frozen meat -- not what people have come to expect in gourmet restaurants.

HARDLY GOURMET

According to Linda Yamada, chef at The Beach House gourmet restaurant on Kauai, "Food trends have changed over the last ten year. Gourmet food now means using the freshest regional ingredients and serving it right away when the flavors are still at their best."

But airline food has gone in just the opposite direction. Today, airline catering is under the control of two transnational companies, Dobbs of Switzerland and Sky Chefs of Germany. Together they cater the meals of 260 airlines.

Sky Chefs prepares a million meals a day, including the lion's share of airline "gourmet" meals, according to Michaela Kiesel, Senior Vice President.

Sky Chefs advertises "on any continent and at any time" —despite the fact that, as its brochure states, "those of us in airline catering are equally exposed to the steady pressure on prices placed by the airlines."

Sky Chefs refused to comment on the exact nature of these pressures from the airlines.

Dobbs of Switzerland is even less forthcoming about its food practices. The company's public relations spokesperson would not respond to even the simplest questions. How many meals does Dobbs prepare each year? Which airlines get celebrity gourmet meals? For which classes of service? How are gourmet meals prepared? With what ingredients, over what time?

FLIGHT ATTENDANTS

Flight attendants have opinions about the gourmet fare, but only express them anonymously. Although the new gourmet meals are not quite so bland as the old ones, they say, the chicken is still that same old rubber-duckie, and there's nothing tender about the beef tenderloin.

Famous chefs endorse airline meals, true. But they do not prepare the airline meals as in their home restaurants, where the master touch affects the cut of meat and the manner of preparation.

For example, gourmet restaurants place the freshly prepared food onto heated plates, then rush it directly to customers. Airline meals, on the other hand, are poured ahead of time into disposable aluminum pans and frozen. On jets, hundreds of meals are simultaneously reconstituted, then held an undetermined amount of time in carts -- warming the meat while chilling the salads -- that cumbersomely make their way down the aisles.

JETLAG

No airline advertising mentions the jetlag of its passengers in relation to its meals. The definition of gourmet is stretched in the skies, as are passengers' intestines because any food is hard to digest in the high altitude. It's the low air pressure on board which makes our bodies swell up like the Michelin Tire man -- and with expanded intestines, it is simply difficult to digest.

ALTITUDE

Since the commercial jet interior altitude is as high as a mountain resort, i.e., 7,000 to 8,000 feet above sea level, we can use the research of high-altitude expert, Charles S. Houston, M.D.

"The food you would like to use at high altitude is the food that requires the least oxygen to digest. Carbohydrates give you quick energy and don't use as much oxygen. You need small amounts of carbohydrates at high altitude."

But airline gourmet meals focus on the meat entree, which is primarily protein. The truth is, if you decide to skip the gourmet meal altogether, your whole travel experience will improve.